As I was looking at some of my works during my college years until my first year here in Salt Lake City (they were all typed in the computer, and so I have a copy of them with me now in my flash drive), I realized that I have never posted any of my poems online, and that all the poems that I posted here were poems I created while I was verbalizing my emotions to the blog. They were the spontaneous ideas; the crafted ones were never posted.
Why? Because I had one award in a poetry writing contest, and realized that I wasn't that bad of a writer (although I'm not that good, either). And I got paranoid that if I posted online, some people would plagiarize me. So I never posted.
I still won't post my best pieces. Mwahahaha. But I do have a file entitled "Writer Gone Mad", and for good reason. These are the poems that probably won't make sense to you, because I wrote them when I was in a crazy high (and no, I never took drugs, not even recreational ones, so it's not that type of high).
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Now, remember a year or two back, I posted a poem from this collection in this blog that had a few words but was littered mostly with punctuation marks (try locating from my previous entries). Well, here is another one that is littered with letters that may or may not make any sense.
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WWW.COM
I forgot my letters that’s meant for you
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWX
Missing you is like Y and ZZZ…
Nobody else is like XXX and C U…
I forgot my numbers that’s for you only
111222333444555666777888999000
Missing you is like 911 and 117…
Nobody else is like 777 and 888…
I forgot my symbols that’s been for you
!@#$%^&*()_+-=[{]}`~;:’”\|,<.>/?
Missing you is like ??? and #@!&%…
Nobody else is like !!! and +++…
I forgot my words that’s meant for you
ICANTBELIEVEURGONEBUTITSOK
Missing you is like AREUKIDDING…
Nobody else is like THATWASGOOD...
I forgot my equations that’s for you only
2+2=5,{||}=0,f(x)=mx-b°,cosα=250000
Missing you is like {} and 1000000x0…
Nobody else is like {OK} and 10000…0
I forgot the others that’s been for you
UWEREHELLATLEASTITDIDNT
LASTTHATLONG…but I thought it would…
BBB…no IDD or NDD…
I forgot my other organizations waiting
All those departments wanting to admit
Missing you is like visiting DOH, WHO
Nobody else is like UNICEF…
I really thought you were in it for good
I really thought you were for my hood
I guess you just had to back off at last
I guess you just had to retreat too fast.
Sending all my sounds for you…
no BEEP, RING, or anything…
just CRASH, THUD, BOOM, PING, and all those stuff…
no wails or cries…not at all
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That was a really bitter poem. Did I tell you I've never been in a relationship before? That sure sounded like I had been, hadn't it? Now, the next poem is my poor attempt at flirting. (And yes, I don't know how to flirt, and adding that I'm picky, that's why I'm still single and not getting any candidates at all either. It would've been better if at least I had candidates.) This will be such a hit to astronomy geeks out there.
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Earth to Venus: Lost in Space
Hey there! Don’t you know I’ve been talking?
To you, apparently, but you weren’t listening
Still, I could go on forever with your ignorance
My small talk is failing to show penetrance
Wishing you would take some of your time off
To bother me with your silly imitated cough
You know I wouldn’t mind to break the silence
I could easily switch to jumping over the fence
The next planet is a thousand miles away
We’re stuck together for a quarter of a ray
You know I wouldn’t hesitate to melt the ice
But it usually takes more than a pair of eyes
Hey there! You keep looking the other direction
Do you wish to further sever the connection?
No other place in this lonesome universe
That will satisfy your need to quench thirst
I’m just in a parallel horizontal plane from you
And my lateral coordinates are never skew
You know I wouldn’t be bored with gossip
If that’s the only way to feel the blooming tulip
I’m not located in the star of an adjacent galaxy
You don’t need a space shuttle for a proxy
You know I wouldn’t turn an iffy offer down
When an opportunity appears to gain a crown
Hey there! Did you forget about my existence?
A minute or two can be of enormous essence
Takes more guts to reflect the heat of the sun
Than to swing the chair over to someone
The moonlight is fading into unknown oblivion
And our asteroids are falling out of revolution
You know I wouldn’t mind gripping your hands
Just as soon as we touch uncharted lands
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OK. So that wasn't just a flirty one. Maybe it sounded more like a nerdy pick-up line. Well, let me tell you the history of the next poem. There is no "Graphical Representation: Part 1", although this poem might be alluding to one. In fact, the poem it refers to is entitled "Too Graphic", but anyway, I won't post "Too Graphic" because it is quite a good poem (as opposed to this crazy one).
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Graphical Representation: Part 2?
You think it doesn’t matter, but it does to me
Length, width, and height can set me free
Every force can cause you to sink or swim
Up or down, maybe and, direction’s a whim
Come on now, hit the circle’s looming center
I’m not satisfied with the radius or diameter
More concerned with area or circumference
I like to think solid, volume’s a preference
Why don’t we create for you an oval shape
To fit perfectly in your twirling landscape
Two isosceles triangles can always be exposed
Get a full irregular load of jutting overdose
I don’t like flabby, shabby figures, draw nicely
I don’t like misguided spirals, prepare early
You’re starting to pour glue in dewy raindrops
Always better than oozing snowflake puffs
You think you don’t care, but actually you do
Force can drive the ocean not to be sea blue
Push or pull, quick exerts more energy and work
Make a sturdy cylinder, and pop the soft cork
Won’t be much of use were it shaped like cone
Better if you don’t have to cut and paste alone
Pyramid-like doesn’t sit well with me either
But I’m not the artist, so no say on the matter
Come on now, I’m up for playing with darts
Use your arrowheads wisely, targets are warts
You won’t need a very flexible bow to shoot
Wouldn’t it be better to be as long as a flute?
I prefer that you handle the globes or spheres
Arrows can grow bigger and hurt like spears
Unfortunately, we’re out of rhombi or squares
So until then, we won’t have clothes to wear
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Omg, what is this poem all about? Is it about designing a clothing line? Actually, it's not. Think, think, think... :P In fact, "Too Graphic" had the same figurative intention/meaning as this one, and also dealt with shapes/abstract figures literally, so that's why I entitled it as a part 2 of a previous poem.
One of the visions I had was to create my own version of a story poem, like the story of Hiawatha. The story of Hiawatha was written in poem form, with rhyming words at the end of each line. But I was only able to tell 3 chapters, and I got tired and stopped (also the same case for most of my other stories, and that's why I will never be a novelist). Each chapter had 52 lines with rhyming words.
I am not going to share those 3 chapters with you, because unfortunately, they are back in the Philippines in one of the logbooks that I kept. Of course, some of the logbooks were not with me; they were with the other people who wrote there as well. However, during college, I challenged myself this: can I use the same concept, same storyline, same characters, same events from these 3 chapters and create 3 chapters with 52 lines each and rhyming words, but this time in Filipino? (The original poems were in English.) It's not a translation word for word, but everything (plot, setting, characters) else was the same.
This is what I came up with (and yes, it's not 52 lines each). To the people who have seen the English versions of these poems, you be the judge how close these are from the original version.
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Usapan
Kinakabahan ka ba? Dahil ako’y naiinip na.
Kanina pa tayo nakaupo sa mistulang lamesa
Naiinggit ako sa mga taong nagsasayawan
Pati na rin sa mga alitaptap na nagliliparan.
Bakit ayaw mong umimik? Magsalita? Magyaya?
Sobrang tahimik ka at gusto ko nang makalaya…
Pero hawak pa rin natin ang ating mga baso
Wala ka pa ring imik, ‘di na talaga ako natuto
Nakatunganga ka lang sa mga bituin ng langit
Ako nama’y di makapaghintay, nagngingitngit
Nalulong ka sa pagmumuni-muni, sumasabay
Sa ihip ng hangin, sa mga dahong kumakaway.
Biglang tumunog ang orasan sa may tore
Sa bawat tunog nagpapaalala—oras ay alas dose
Mga tao’y biglang nagsialisan, maging tayo’y lumisan
Ang mga maningning na alitaptap ating iniwan
Paumanhin, pero kailangan ko nang umuwi
Pangako’y aking nasambit, ‘di ko na mababawi.
Huwag muna, ayaw kong ika’y tuluyang mawala
Sa wakas ika’y nagsalita na. Kahit isang umaga
Payag ka ba? Isang tanong at isang sigaw, nasundan pa
Isang kasunduan ay nabuo, isang alaala ay nasira
Isang salitang paulit-ulit na nagbibigay ng pag-asa
Tandaan ang isang tawag, iukit upang maalala.
Ang hangin lumalamig, ang buwan lumiliwanag
Dalawang basong naiwan sa lamesa, naaaninag
Biglang umihip nang malakas, mga baso’y natumba
Pulang alak ay tumulo sa gabi ng pangamba
Maya-maya’y narinig—isang bulong, isang kilos,
Isang tawa, isang sigaw—senyales ng isang unos.
Namataan ang alak sa semento sabay halakhak
Mga ngiping pilak kumislap, sabay hagis ng bulaklak
Mata ko’y namulat sa itim na katotohanan ng bukas
Sa pagsikat ng araw, kakila-kilabot at kagila-gilalas,
Nakita ko ang isang babaeng duguan, nakalupasay
Sa tabi ng pulang alak—patay, mistulang bangkay.
Nang aking maaninag kanyang mukha laking ikinagulat
Sa pagkakataong ito aking mukha ang nasiwalat.
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Katotohanan
Malawak ang nararating ng balita, ikaw ang hinahanap
Pero kahit anong iwas, may kaya pa ring ika’y mahagilap
Nalutas na ba ang suliranin? Tahimik lang ang iling
Walang masabing sagot sa libu-libong nakakapiling.
Ako, ‘di na mapakali. Walang halaga ang walang saysay
Kaya’t huwag mo nang sayangin ang oras na sa iyo’y ibinigay.
Parito’t paroon aking paglalakad, walang desisyong magawa
Sa bawat pagmumuni may nakaambang na pangamba.
Pagkat ako’y may tinatagong isang babaing kapatid
Ayaw lumabas ng bahay, at ‘di mo dapat ito mabatid
Marami siyang tinatagong diyamante sa kanyang kwarto
Pero tahimik na naghihintay, sing tuso at talino ng lobo
Nanatiling nakatira sa bahay ng aking mga ninuno
Liblib, malaki, at sinasabing tinitirhan ng mga multo
Kanyang mga lihim nakalantad lamang sa mga pader ng bahay
At nakasulat sa isang kwaderno, maitim-itim ang kulay.
Sa bahay na ito may nakabalot na enerhiya na ‘di pa napapakawalan
Siyang nakasaad sa isang libro, sa pagsapit ng bawat buwan
Mga tinig paulit-ulit na naririnig, naghihintay ng tamang pagkakataon
Kagimbal-gimbal, kahindik-hindik, nakaabang sa dulo ng nayon.
Isang lihim na tanging buwan ang testigo, isang pag-iibigan na minsan
Ay pinaghiwalay ng tadhana, isang pag-asang bukas ay matatagpuan
Isang lalaki tumatahak sa mga bundok ng kanyang isipan
Nakakulong sa loob ng mga rehas, naghahangad ng kalayaan.
Isang lihim na nagbibigay babala, babago sa takbo ng kapalaran
Ng dalawang nagsasama, masugid na kumakalap ng kasagutan,
May nagbabantang masakit na alaala, matagal na mga taong
Binabad ang sarili sa pagtangis, pero pag-ibig pa rin ay nabaon.
Masakit man sa damdamin, ‘di masiwalat ang aking hinala
Hindi, hindi mo siya pwedeng malaman, sabay alis sa opisina
Nakalipas ilang araw, ilang gabi, ngunit pagpatay ‘di na nasundan
Walang makuhang sagot, kaya’t kaso ay tuluyang binitawan.
Pero hindi pa tapos ang laban, alam ko. Pagkat ang halakhak
Ay naririnig pa kasabay ng malamig na ihip ng hangin sa mga bulaklak
At sa tatlong taong lumipas na namuno ang kapayapaan
Takdang panahon dumating na, pagkasira ng nayong kinagisnan.
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Jones
Minsan, Katie, nabangga kita sa gitna ng walang kabuluhan
Laman ng isipan nagugulumihanan sa paparating na kaguluhan
Ninais kang makitang muli, pero sa kasamaang palad
Napagbintangan ang walang sala, nilayo sa kanyang pugad.
‘Di ko na tuloy nasabi kung gaano kaganda ang iyong pangalan
‘Di ko na rin napaalam kung gaano kakulay ng iyong mga halaman
‘Di ko na naipabatid kung gaano nabighani sa iyong kaibhan
Habang ika’y masayang nagdidilig sa iyong halamanan.
Masama ang loob sa nayong kinalakhan pero tumakwil sa akin
Matagal ding nawala habang nag-aaral ng kolehiyo sa ibang lupain
Sa pagpunta muli sa lugar na puno ng alaala, ako’y nasabik
‘Di inaakala na may unos na nakaabang sa aking pagbabalik.
Bahay mo’y malaki, pero bakit piniling maging mapag-isa?
Kung kaya namang isa pa ay makitira, bakit hindi magyaya
Sa iyong kapatid? Para ‘di ka naman malungkot habang ‘di ko kayang
Ika’y pasiglahin, dahil katarungan ‘di sa akin naiparatang.
Pagpaslang ‘di ko kayang gawin, ‘di malubos maisip bakit ako pinaghinalaan
Babaeng nakaratay ‘di ko naman kilala, katawa’y ‘di makitaan
Ni isang ebidensya ay walang maipakita, nag-iisang dahilan
Ay dahil bagong salta, ngunit itong lugar hawak na aking puso dati pa man.
Ang iyong kapatid, nakahanap na nang sa kanya’y magmamahal
Ikaw ba, ako ba ang iyong hinihintay? Naisip magsulat, ngunit nauutal
Isang taon na lang bago lumaya, salamat at ikaw ay mabibisita
Sa iyong malaking bahay, at ika’y palagian nang makikita.
Baka masabi mo sa akin kung sino ang tunay na pumaslang
‘Di ba’t sabi nila ang iyong galing sa ere ng nayon lumulutang?
Ako man ay nag-aral ng pagkapulis, at may nalalaman sa paghanap ng may sala
‘Di titigil sa paghahanap, sa pangambang ika’y ‘di na muling makikita.
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I know, I know. These were the days when I was still writing cheesy poems about love, although I've never really enjoyed reading cheesy love stories or watching cheesy romantic flicks, but I guess everyone starts out as a cheesy writer.
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RATED R: READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY SEXUALLY-ORIENTED MATERIAL, OR ARE BELOW 18 YEARS OF AGE, IT IS ADVISED THAT YOU DISREGARD THIS ENTRY. OTHERWISE, READ ON.
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Bawat Yakap, Bawat Haplos, Bawat Saglit
Masakit isipin ngunit totoo. Ayaw mo na sa akin.
Magkakilala na tayo simula pa ng pagkabata. Habang sanggol ka pa lamang. Hindi ko lang alam kung natandaan mo pa iyon.
Hindi mo na ba natatandaan nung bata pa tayo, sa tuwing maglalaro ako ang iyong yayakapin? Sa tuwing iiyak ako ang matatakbuhan? Sa tuwing mang-iinis ako ang lolokohin?
Oo, totoong nagselos ako nang mauso ang computer, at ang mga oras mo ay ginugol na sa makinang iyon. Walang tigil kang naglalaro mag-isa, samantalang ako ay iniwan mong mag-isa. Gusto ko mang umiyak, hindi ko magawa. Iniisip ko baka talaga lang wala akong halaga sa buhay mo. Kaya’t kailangan kong magpatatag dahil wala naman akong ibang matatakbuhan. Kundi ikaw, pero hindi mo na ko pinapansin.
Lumipas din ang ilang panahon. Siguro nagsawa ka na rin sa makinang iyon, pagka’t paminsan-minsan may oras ka na rin para tayo’y makapaglaro muli. Pero iba na ang patakaran sa mga larong gusto mo. Sapagkat ika’y nagbibinata na. Naging malaswa ka na. At kahit hindi ko alam kung ano ang ginagawa natin, sumunod na lang ako dahil ayaw ko nang ipagpalit mo muli ako.
Nang mga panahong iyon, ang dami nating lihim na itinatago sa iyong mga magulang. Madalas tayong maglaro sa loob ng iyong kuwarto, at ang pinto kinakandado mo pa. Ayaw mo talagang paalam sa iba ang ating pagmamahalan. Kung alam ko lang sana noon na hindi mo naman pala ako mahal. Nagkataon lang na gusto mong subukan, at ako ang pumayag sa iyong kagustuhan.
Pero makakahindi ba ako sa iyo kung nalaman ko lang iyon? Pilitin ko man, alam kong hindi ko rin kakayaning sagutin ka ng hindi.
Akala ko sa bawat paninigas ng iyong pagkalalaki, sa bawat uga ng iyong katawan, sa bawat pag-ungol, sa bawat paglabas ay mas napapamahal ka sa akin, dahil nagdudulot ako ng kaligayahan sa iyo. Maling-mali ang aking akala. Ang laki ko talagang tanga.
Nalaman ko na lang minsan may nililigawan kang iba. Madalas kayong mag-usap sa telepono. Akala ko baka nagkulang lang ako, kaya pinagseselos mo ako. Pero seryoso pala iyon, at naging magkasintahan kayo. Siya na ang sinasama mo kapag nagkukulong ka sa kuwarto. Siya na ang lagi mong niyayakap at hinahalikan. Bakit? Hindi ba ako masarap kayakap? Hindi ba ako masarap halikan? Hindi ka ba nasiyahan sa mga tagong sandali natin? Madali ba akong kasawaan?
Nang mga oras na iyon, gusto kong awayin ka dahil ginamit mo lang ako, pero hindi ko ginawa dahil mahal kita. Humihikbi lang ako sa isang tabi, pero hindi mo naman ito naririnig, dahil masyado mong binibigyang-pansin ang iyong irog.
Pero hindi mo lang alam, minsan narinig ko ang iyong giliw, tumawag sa cellular phone niya, may ibang lalaking kausap. Salawahan pala. Gusto ko rin sanang sabihin sa iyo, kaso wala kang oras para sa akin. Hindi ko tuloy maipaalam sa iyo.
Laking tuwa ko na lang dahil nahuli mo rin siya sa kanyang ginagawa. Hindi mo alam kung gaano ako kasaya nang maghiwalay kayo ng landas. Hinanap-hanap mo na naman ako. Nagkaroon ka na naman ng oras sa akin. Sa ginawa mong panloloko sa akin, dapat hindi na ako muling nagpagamit sa iyo. Pero mahal pa rin kita. Hindi pa rin kita matiis kaya kumagat pa rin ako. Inisip ko balang araw baka matututunan mo ring mahalin ako. Hindi na talaga natuto ang aking puso. Sadyang kakaiba ang pag-ibig.
Sa sumunod na buwan wala na akong masyadong nababalitaan sa iyo. Wala na rin akong nakikitang babae na dinadala mo sa kuwarto mo. Pero lagi kang ginagabi ng uwi. Inisip ko baka masyado kang maraming proyekto sa paaralan kaya ka ginagabi. Pero mali na naman ako ng akala.
Sapagkat minsan narinig kong may kinakausap ka sa telepono. Mukhang magkikita kayo sa isang motel. Gabi pa ang oras ng inyong pagkikita. Doon ko lang napagtanto na may ibang kasintahan ka na naman. Ikinukubli mo pa sa akin. Ang sakit ng pakiramdam ko.
Bakit mo pa siya tinatago sa akin? Hindi naman ako nagrereklamo o umaangal kung may iba kang kasintahan. Alam mo naman iyon. Inilantad mo ang iyong unang kasintahan, pero hindi ako umimik. Tumahimik lang ako. Mahal kita. Gugustuhin ko ang lahat ng bagay na magpapasaya sa iyo kahit na ako pa ang masaktan. Kaya hindi mo kailangang itago kung may iba kang mahal. Pero lahat itong nararamdaman ay sinarili ko lang. Hindi na naman ako umimik. Hindi ko alam kung tama ang aking ginawa, pero ayaw kong magalit ka sa akin. Baka pati pagkakaibigan natin ay masira. Humikbi na lang muli ako sa isang tabi. At siyempre hindi mo na naman ako naririnig dahil kung saan-saang motel ka pumupunta at gabi na kung umuwi.
Pero masyado yatang mailap ang tadhana sa ating dalawa dahil nakipagkalas na naman iyung babae sa iyo. Hindi ko naman alam ang dahilan dahil tago sa aking kaalaman ang inyong mga pag-uusap. Binalikan mo na naman ako. Ako naman, parang alalay na hindi marunong kumawala sa kanyang amo, ay tinanggap kang muli. Tila nilagyan mo na ang puso ko ng kadena kaya’t hindi ko na kayang makalayo pa sa iyo.
Hindi pa rin ako nawawalan ng pag-asa. Sa tuwing pagbalik mo sa akin, alam kong may pagkakataon pa rin na matutunan mong ibigin ako. Pero ang bulag-bulag ko talaga. Hindi ko man lang naisip na nagpapakasasa ka lang sa aking laman. Na tinutugon mo lang ang libog mo habang wala ka pang ibang mahanap kaya ka nagtitiyaga sa akin.
Marami pang mga sari-saring babae ang dumaan, lahat mga ilang buwan lang ang tinatagal. At walang palya, sa gitna ng bawat relasyong nabubuo, ako ang iyong nilalapitan, tinatakbuhan. Ako naman, tanggap lang nang tanggap. Ni minsan hindi ko man lang narinig na sinabi mong mahal mo ako. Pero hindi pa rin ako nawawalan ng pag-asa.
Hanggang dumating sa buhay mo si Rita. Oo, sa lahat ng nakarelasyon mo, siya lang ang una mong harap-harapang pinakilala sa akin. Lahat iyung iba, pawang nasasagap ko lang sa pakikipag-usap mo sa telepono o kaya’y sa mga kasambahay mo. Akala ko katulad lang siya ng iba mong nakarelasyon, ilang buwan lang din at mawawala na siya sa buhay mo. At magiging akin kang muli, kahit panandalian lang, kahit katawan mo lang. Masyado talaga akong kumakapit sa patalim.
Kaya nga laking gulat ko nang ipaalam mong ikakasal na kayo. Nung umpisa, ayaw kong maniwala. Ayaw kong tanggapin na hindi ka na babalik sa akin. Ayaw ko pang magunaw ang aking pag-asa. Pilit kong binura ang mapait na katotohanan at nag-isip ng isang mundo kung saan tayo ang magkakatuluyan. Pero wala rin namang mangyayari. Pinalalala ko lang ang sakit na aking nararamdaman kung hindi ko siya tatanggapin. Naisip ko na lang na baka may pag-asa pa ako. Tutal naman, kilala na kita. Wala naman talagang babaing tumatagal sa iyo. Ako lang. Ako lang ang nagtitiyaga, nagpapakatanga, nagpapakabulag. Lahat sila nakikipaghiwalay sa iyo. Kahit naman mag-asawa kayo, may pag-asa pa ring magkaroon ng hiwalayan. At nababatid kong kapag nangyari iyon, sa akin ka muling babalik. Kaya’t maghihintay na lang muli ako tulad ng nakagawian kong gawin.
Ika-siyam ng Hunyo kayo nakasal. Tuwang-tuwa pa nga si Rita dahil suot-suot niya na ang singsing na nagpapatunay na kasal na kayo. Ikaw din, mukhang tuwang-tuwa ka. Maligayang bati! Pero sa loob-loob ko, magkakahiwalay din kayo. At samantalang kayo pa, tatanungin ko na naman ang sarili ko. Maraming-maraming tanong. Nasasarapan ka kaya sa piling ng iba? Kapag hindi ako ang kayakap mo sa kama? Napapaalis ba niya ang sama ng loob mo? Ilan lang iyan sa mga halimbawa. Pero hanggang kuru-kuro lang ang sagot ko sa mga tanong na iyan. Kasi, lagi akong pinangungunahan ng takot. Ayaw ko na tuloy itanong sa iyo.
Ilang araw pa lang nang kayo’y ikasal, nag-away na kaagad kayo. Sabi ko na nga ba, hindi talaga kayo tatagal. Nakakabingi ang inyong mga sigawan. Nagbabatuhan pa kayo ng mga babasagin. At kahit na naayos ninyo ang problema kaagad, alam kong unti-unti nang nagsisimula ang aking minimithi.
Hindi ako nagtaka na dalawang buwan pagkatapos ng inyong kasal ay binato na ni Rita ang singsing na suot-suot niya. Hindi na rin ako namangha nang nagmaneho siya papaalis sa iyong bahay. Siguro pinag-awayan ninyo na naman na nakatira ang iyong mga magulang kasama ninyo. Kasi, ayaw mong magpundar ng sariling bahay, at siyempre ang mga magulang mo, hindi naman nila pwedeng igiit na bawal kang tumira sa bahay nila. Pero maganda iyang desisyon mo sa akin. Unang-una, wala akong angal diyan. Ikalawa, kung iyan ang magpapahiwalay sa inyo ni Rita, talagang sasang-ayon ako diyan.
Ang problema ko lang, sa sumunod na mga araw, umalis ka rin at hinabol si Rita. Akala ko babalik ka na sa akin. Pero umaasa pa rin ako na ayaw na ni Rita sa iyo. Babalik ka muli sa akin.
Samantala, naisip kong hanapin ang singsing na ibinato ni Rita. Pero sa kalaunan, naisip kong huwag na lang hanapin. Unang-una, baka masayang lang ang lakas ko sa kakahanap at hindi ko lang din ito makikita. Ikalawa, kung sakaling mahanap ko ang singsing, hindi ko rin ito pwedeng suutin kasi hindi mo naman ako pinakasalan (at baka hindi rin kasya sa akin ito). At kung pakakasalan mo ako, gusto ko rin ng sarili kong singsing. Ayaw kong isuot ang isinuot ng iyong naunang asawa.
Magkahalong lungkot at inis ang naramdaman ko nang bumalik ka pagkatapos ng ilang araw na pagkawala kasama si Rita. Nagkabalikan kayo. Pero mukhang hindi na kayo masyadong nag-uusap sa isa’t-isa. At nagsimula ka na namang bumalik sa akin. Nung una, hindi ko maintindihan. Bakit ka bumabalik sa akin samantalang nandiyan naman ang asawa mong si Rita? Tapos nalaman ko na lang naghiwalay na pala kayo ng kuwartong tinutulugan. Napagalaman ko rin na ayaw na niyang makipagtalik sa iyo. Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako o hindi.
Sa totoo lang, sa puntong ito, medyo nagsimula na rin akong magsawa sa ginagawa natin. Lagi ka na lang aalis, tapos babalik. At ako naman, lagi na lang naghihintay sa iyong pagbabalik. Lalo na ngayon, dahil nararamdaman ko na kahit sa akin ka nakikipagtalik, mahal mo pa rin siya. Pinagpaparausan mo lang ako. Mahal mo pa rin siya. Naiisip ko ito sa bawat pagpasok ng iyong pagkalalaki sa akin. Parang kutsilyo na sinasaksak ang aking damdamin. Mahal mo pa rin siya. Dama ko iyon. Hindi mo siya pinapaalis sa iyong bahay kahit na lagi ka niyang inaaway. Kahit na hindi ka niya bigyan ng kahit pansamantalang kaligayahan. Tulad ko, tinali rin niya ang puso mo. Unti-unti na akong nawawalan ng pag-asa. Pero sadyang hindi ako sumusuko. Umaasa pa rin ako na baka kapag pumanaw si Rita, makalimutan mo ang pag-ibig mo sa kanya, at maiibigan mo ako. Desperada na talaga ako.
Hindi naman ako binigo ng tadhana. Nabalitaan kong nabangga ang sasakyang minamaneho ni Rita habang siya’y papunta sa kanyang opisina. Nabangga ng trak. Patay na nang datnan ng ambulansiya. Nang araw na iyon hanggang sa inilibing siya, panay ang lapit mo sa akin. Iyak ka nang iyak. Nakiramay ako. Ginawa ko ang lahat ng makakaya ko upang itago ang nararamdaman kong tuwa. Tuwa dahil wala na akong kalaban muli.
Masaya talaga ang pakiramdam habang bulag ka. Nagsisimula lang ang lungkot kapag namumulat ka na sa katotohanan.
Nagsimula ka nang maglasing. Hindi mo naman gawi ito noon. Masama ito sa katawan mo. Pero hindi ko na naman masabi sa iyo ito. Kasi, kapag umuuwi ka, lagi ka nang galit, wala ka na masyadong maintindihan, kaya napupuno uli ako ng takot. Takot ako na baka saktan mo ako. Sipain. Suntukin. Lalo na kapag nagdadabog ka.
Nalulong ka na sa paglalasing. Hindi ka na lumalapit sa akin. Oo, umuuwi ka pa rin sa akin, pero madalas tulog ka kaagad dahil sa sobrang pagkalasing. Hindi ka na rin naghahanap ng ibang babae. Masyado mong dinamdam ang pagkamatay ni Rita. Noon ko rin napagtanto na hindi mo na talaga ako mamahalin. Dahil kahit patay na si Rita, siya pa rin ang iniisip mo. Siya pa rin ang minamahal mo.
Akala ko iyun na ang pinakamasakit na katotohanan, na hindi mo na ako kayang mahalin. Pero mas masakit palang makita ang minamahal mo na sinasayang ang kanyang buhay. Madalas kang makipagaway sa mga magulang mo. Hindi mo ito dati ginagawa. At narinig ko rin na unti-unti na kayong naghihirap dahil tumigil ka na sa pagtratrabaho. Tapos tuloy ka pa rin sa pagwawaldas ng pera. Alak sa umaga, alak sa hapon, alak sa gabi. Walang ginawa kundi maglasing.
Pero mabait pa rin talaga ang Diyos sa iyo. Naawa pa rin. Ipinagamot ka ng iyong mga magulang kahit na hirap na hirap na silang makahanap ng perang ipambabayad sa iyong pagpapagamot. Hinanda ko na ang sarili ko sa matagal na kalungkutan, dahil matagal kang mawawalay sa akin. Pero kakayanin ko ito, dahil para ito sa ikabubuti mo. Nakayanan ko naman ito dati nung iba’t-ibang babae ang iyong nakakapiling.
Mga ilang buwan pa lang ang nakakalipas, pumanaw ang iyong ama. Inatake sa puso. Biglaan. Isang beses lang, namatay na kaagad. Malungkot na malungkot ang iyong nanay. Naisipan kong sulatan ka, pero minabuti kong huwag na lang. Mas maganda sigurong sa nanay mo manggaling ang balita. Pero hindi rin nagsulat ang nanay mo. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. Siguro dahil masyado niyang dinamdam ang pagkamatay ng iyong itay. O baka naman dahil baka magdamdam ka. Sa halip na gumaling ka, baka magsimula ka na namang maglasing.
Ilang buwan naman ang nakalipas, namatay ang iyong inay. Hindi ko alam ang ikinamatay. Narinig ko lang na namatay na. Ayaw ko pa ring sulatan ka, sa takot na baka lumala ang kalagayan mo kapag narinig mo ang mga balita. Pero mahirap pala kapag wala kang makausap. Masyadong malungkot. Nakakapangulila. Pero pinipilit ko pa ring kayanin, dahil alam kong babalik ka pa. Pagbalik mo, magaling ka na. At payag na rin ako kahit na hindi mo ko mamahalin, basta’t magsasama pa rin tayo. Tutal naman, hindi ka na naman naghahanap ng ibang babae, dahil lagi mo pa ring iniisip si Rita.
Kuntento na ako. Akala ko magiging masaya ka na. Hindi pa rin pala.
Bumalik ka na mula sa pagamutan. Magaling ka na. Nalaman mo patay na ang mga magulang mo. Dinamdam mo rin siya ng mga ilang araw, pero nalagpasan mo rin ang paghihinagpis. Pero simula nang bumalik ka, hindi ka na katulad ng dati. Nagbago ka na. Naninibago na ako sa mga kilos mo.
Hindi mo na ako pinapansin. Wala ka ng hilig sa pakikipagtalik. Oo, tuwing gabi, tabi pa rin tayo sa higaan, pero wala na. Matagal kong batid na walang namamagitan na pag-ibig sa atin, pero pati ang dating init ay wala na. Para na tayong may kanya-kanyang mundo, walang pakialaman sa isa’t-isa.
Masakit. Ngayon ko lang nabatid. Ayaw mo na sa akin. Wala na akong silbi. Sawa ka na sa akin. Akala ko masakit na ito. Pero mas masakit pala kapag ipinapamukha na sa iyo.
Ibinebenta mo na ang bahay. Bakit? May pera namang naiwan ang iyong mga magulang. Pwede kang magsimula ulit. Pwede tayong magsimula ulit. Hindi mo na ba talaga ako matiis? Sawang-sawa ka na ba talaga sa akin at gusto mo na akong layuan? Hindi mo na ba natatandaan ang ating mga pinagdaanan? Ni minsan hindi ako naghanap ng iba. Ikaw lang. Ikaw lang. Pero hindi na naman ako umimik. Naisip ko ikaw ang may-ari ng bahay. Ikaw ang may karapatan kung ano ang gusto mong gawin sa bahay.
Masaklap na ibebenta mo ang bahay. Pero mas masaklap na ipamimigay mo ko sa ibang tao. Ayaw mo na talaga sa akin. Payag ka nang mapunta ako sa kamay ng ibang tao. Kahit na gaano ako nagsilbi, gaano ako nagtiis, walang halaga sa iyo ang mga pinagdaanan ko. Wala akong halaga sa iyo.
Galit na ako sa iyo. Simula ngayon, ayaw ko na rin sa iyo. Wala ka na ring halaga sa akin. Wala kang puso. Pero kahit ano pang isipin kong kasamaan na gagawin ko sa iyo, alam kong puro kasinungalingan lang iyon. Hindi ko magagawa ang mga iyon, dahil mahal pa rin kita. Kahit ano pang mangyari. Kahit ano pang nararamdaman mo sa akin.
Patuloy pa rin akong nagpapakatanga. Pero wala akong magawa. Bihag mo ako.
Siguro dapat nagsalita ako nung mga oras na tumahimik lang ako. Sinabi ko dapat ang pagmamahal ko para nalaman mo. Siguro dapat hinanap ko ang singsing at pinilit kang magpakasal. Siguro dapat sinulatan kita para maramdaman mong mahal kita dahil binabalitaan kita tungkol sa iyong pamilya. Siguro dapat mas pinasaya pa kita nung mga pagkakataong nakikipagtalik ka sa akin. Pero gustuhin ko man, wala akong magawa. Pilitin ko man, hindi ako makapagsalita. Hindi ako makalakad upang maghanap. Hindi ako makapagsulat. Hindi ako makagalaw para pasiyahin ka.
Kung hindi kita natutunang mahalin, wala rin akong magagawa para pigilin ka sa mga pagnanasa ng iyong laman. Dahil hindi ako makapagsalita. Hindi ko masasabing ayaw kong makipagtalik sa iyo. Hindi rin ako makagalaw, kaya mabilis mo akong mapagsasamantalahan.
Pero minahal kita. Kaya nagpaubaya akong mayakap. Mahalikan.
Masakit tanggapin, pero hindi kita masisisi kung hindi mo ko kayang mahalin. Hingahan lang ako ng sama ng loob. Pagpaparausan lang ako ng tawag ng laman. Hindi ka naawa sa akin. Hindi mo ko minahal. Pero wala naman akong ginawa para mahalin mo ako. Wala akong nagawa para ipaglaban ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo.
Naaawa lang ako sa sarili ko dahil masyado akong umasa. Masyado akong nagpakatanga. At pumayag pa ako na tratuhin mo ko na parang bagay. Gagamitin kung kailan gusto, tapos iiwan kung hindi na kailangan. Babalik-balikan kung gagamiting muli. At sa huli, ipamimigay kapag tuluyan nang walang silbi. Pero, kung sabagay, may punto ka sa iyong ginagawa. Kaya hindi kita masisisi sa iyong mga ginawa.
Dahil ako ay isang bagay lamang. Dahil akap-akap na unan mo lang ako.
Mwahaha. Personification is the way to go...
with lightning comes thunder
under the starless sky
we kiss to feel
the fireflies crackle
under the warmth of the palm trees
swaying with the silent beat
of the silver moonlight
caressed by the gentle wind
that blemishes our cheeks
and, for a moment, we lay intertwined
in a world of temporary heaven.
lock broken, bolt unhinged
with lightning comes storm
under the ominous sky
we cry to deny
the glittering truth
under the cold, icy eyes
staring with the deafening rhythm
that cuts through the night
caressed by the trickling tears
that spots our cheeks
and, for eternity, we sealed ourselves
in a world of permanent hell.
------oooooooo--------
whew! it's been a long time since i wrote a poem that's empathic (meaning it's not about my life, but it could be someone else's). i used to write all the sad poems about breaking up with someone (which i've never experienced). and some pretty dark ones too, which i won't elaborate about.
so what was i doing walking around in a cold autumn night? and cold it was, as i felt it chill me to the bone. mwahaha. go figure.
so, tomorrow is thanksgiving, and i have a lot to be thankful for. but we'll talk about that in december, when i do my year-end analysis of achievements, failures, and firsts (are there such this year?)
------oooooooo--------
you love the sea.
you love how it gently touches the shore
with its soft waves.
you love how it warms your feet
as you wade in the sand
picking empty seashells along the way
and listening to what messages lie inside.
you love how the footprints are etched
for an exquisite second,
before they are forever washed away.
but for years, you have left the sea
and made your mark in mountains and plains.
you forgot the beauty of the sea.
you no longer love the sea.
you no longer love its gentle caresses
against the soles of your feet.
you no longer love the eccentric sounds it makes,
as it leaves traces of dead matter in its wake,
waiting for you to appreciate the murmurs
that you once held close to your ears to hear.
you no longer love the memories ingrained,
and whatever remained has been forcefully erased.
but the sea knows what you have done.
though you think it an inanimate object,
it has also learned to forget your face
as it forged its name in other people's lives.
------oooooooo-------
now this is more like how i used to write poems. nature-based, but emotional. perosnification. symbolism. i still have it in me. but maybe not second-person based.
------oooooooo-------
i am the ancestral, the primitive
i am the bold print, the cursive
i am the trendsetter, also the follower
i am the language by which you deflower
i am the medieval, the oppressed
i am the royalty, the obsessed
i am the power, also the life force
i am the track that threw you off course
i am the warmonger, the revolution
i am the knowledge, the inspiration
i am the wise, also the wealthy
i am the evil that gave you money
i am the robot, the futuristic
i am the individual, the narcissistic
i am the selfish, also the proud
i am the voice that made you loud
but. i. am. breaking. down.
and. i. need. your. help.
except. i. made. you. to. feel. nothing.
-------ooooooooo---------
i think this blog needs poems that are a breath of fresh air, like these. none that are depressing.
well, first of all, straight guys can appreciate my type of music, or should i say, my former type of music? anyway, gay guys are just not into rock music (except me...but of course!) all gay guys care about are the divas and the dance music. when i was young, i always felt i can outsing anyone, but you know, my diva years are over. i know what my voice range is, and i know what type of songs i can sing best; i'm willing to settle for josh groban instead. (mwahaha...ang feeling!)
next, i'm a horrible dancer, but straight guys can never outdance me. unless they're a breakdancer or something...but generally speaking. gay guys will (or why else do they listen to so much dance music anyway?)
next, most straight guys are not body/gym-conscious. you know, they go outdoors, do stuff, and if they end up with muscular bodies, so be it. but they don't make it a point to go to the gym five times a week to get a sculpted body. well, most don't (i know a few who do). i know gay guys go to the gym because they're motivated by all the hot shirtless sweaty bodies. (why wasn't i born with this desire?) sorry, too much skin turns me off (one of the many reasons why i prefer an exclusively monogamous relationship-i only get to see one other person naked). anyway, it's always nice to make a connection with nature and get fit while doing so. (ever wondered why i have so many pictures of snow and trees and whatnot? hehehe...)
as a corollary of that reason (****! is this a math theorem or what?), i am attracted to slim guys, and if you go to the gym five times a week, you don't end up with a slim body.
finally, i know my fashion sense sucks (i'm trying to rectify that though. we'll see in the future...) straight guys won't mind it (unless they're metrosexual, but there's not a lot of those in slc), but i'll probably have a big fight with a gay guy about my wardrobe.
anyway, in other news, i was ranting about tennis season being over. actually, i shouldn't be, because when there's no tennis, there's... skiing! i've only had one ski lesson really, but i loved it so much, i wouldn't mind getting more (or venturing out with some friends who can sort of teach me). expect more pictures coming soon!
but i'm much better now, thank you. anyway, my newfound fashion sense hasn't only managed to convince me to be creative with my wardrobe, but i've started noticing the creative fashion sense of other people as well (cue: enter french postdoc in the lab). mwahaha...go figure.
in other news, it's gonna snow again on the weekend. last week was the same thing, sunny whole week, then snow on the weekend. please, why am i not being allowed to play tennis? i can only play tennis on the weekend, and only outdoors (because it's free, and i don't want to pay membership for the indoor ones).
well, i don't want to write a long entry, so i'll stop myself now.
hah. you must be wondering why this entry suddenly changed content. i am editing out some crap that i wrote and replacing it with a story. a story of what my true motivations are, and why i am again in this state where i have no motivation (and sadly and surprisingly, no direction) in life.
well, when i was young, i wanted to be rich. i mean, coming from a family who is not well off, what else would you hope to be? and indeed, my parents have made sure to teach us the importance of money (like encouraging me to win more contests because there are cash prizes involved).
but somehow, i realized that because i love to live simply and am quite good at saving money, there's no point getting rich. so i decided to set my sights on something else: fame. and so, i put all my mathematical prowess behind me and pursued science, where i could possibly win a nobel prize and get recognition for how smart i am. of course, my parents cannot understand why a person so good in math and could land a six-figure salary in an insurance company calculating premiums would want to be a scientist (scientists don't really have a big salary). of course, you all know the rest of the story with my parents (like hundreds of entries back).
well, i got a good education in college, and i became serious with my relationship with God. i realized that fame is not gonna make me happy, and i enjoyed helping out people in the church. so, i decided that since i enjoyed research so much, that i was going to research about cancer biology so i can help people, and still be happy (since i'm doing research).
so, fast forward now, i'm doing research in cancer biology, and believe it or not, i'm actually happy doing research, but i don't feel fulfilled-instead, i feel empty. it's like helping out people isn't enough. what else is missing?
i actually know what's missing. i'm missing a partner who can share the journey with me. i'm missing someone whose life i can make a difference in, and in a very personal way. but hope is something that has always evaded me. and for a few years now, i have been looking for this person fruitlessly-and i'm getting more and more hopeless.
****. it's another emotional entry. i hate to be this emotional all the time.
anyway, i had a free day yesterday, like free-from-lab day! it's been a month (or more) since i had one. well, i know it was a saturday, but i can't remember the last weekend that i wasn't in the lab (so it must have been more than a month). so, i was hoping to go out, have fun, but you know how i hate doing that alone. but my friends are so into this pacquiao-cotto match. i mean, i support pacquiao, because he's filipino (like me), but i don't have to watch his matches (because boxing's not for me).
so, in short, i stayed at home, bored to death, just playing my playlist, and remembering the olden times. you know, back in the philippines, i would usually listen to my playlist in my room, because (1) mp3 players were so expensive (2) my parents think i'm listening to noise (because i was such a rock star). so, here i was, in my room, alone, and then i felt it-just like in the olden times-sing, dance, jam, whatever, in the privacy of my room (my younger sister always thought i was crazy because i would sort of do an interpretation of the song-like, make a music video).
and then it hits me-my current playlist is so gay!!! i was counting the number of rock songs and there were just a handful, and then i was counting the dance songs-and the ratio wasn't looking good. i'm sorry, but i don't go to gay clubs, so how was i influenced to download so much dance music in my playlist??? anyway, fyi, the gay community here in slc (from reading online personal ads-see, i've been trying to find a partner) is dance/club-crazed, and dancing and listening to britney/lady gaga songs is like the gay trait.
well, so yes, my playlist was dance music-dominated, so the only way to comfort myself is to at least know i don't have britney/lady gaga songs. like that's very comforting. anyway, you guys know how i like to set myself apart from the stereotype. that's just me. in fact, i'm thinking of changing my wardrobe (inspired by watching project runway). i've always worn one-color shirts, and i've always loved abstract paintings, so i'm thinking of getting abstract designs in my shirts. besides, i haven't seen shirts with abstract designs here in slc, not even in the women's wear department. people here aren't really very creative, are they?
hah. but, omg, what am i thinking? having a fashion sense is so gay as well...i know, i know, i remember a few years back that i really hated shopping for clothes, because they're all the same anyway. oh well. so anyway, i was remembering the old times, and of course, i will never forget my church. the church was my refuge when i was escaping the hells of home (namely, the wrath of disappointed parents), and i truly enjoyed being in the youth ministry. the church was a big source of pain too, while i was struggling with my gayness.
well, of course, now i know that what God truly wants from everyone is a personal relationship with Him, and being able to follow the rules written in the Bible is not necessary (but highly encouraged). i just feel sorry for those people i left behind (and i know a few spiritual leaders in our church, because i've asked advice from them regarding this issue) who understands personal relationship/religion as following a bunch of rules, and therefore judging people based on how good they follow these rules as well. they are not experiencing the richness that i am experiencing with God. so i decided to pray for them today when i went to church, that they too may experience this.
and believe me, the only rule i will consciously break (of course, the others i will break too, but unintentionally, because i am merely a human being and imperfect), is not sleeping with another man, because i want a partner someday!
hah. i told myself not to edit and mess around with the previous entry, but anyway, i did, and look where it got me. twice (or thrice) the size of the original one.
i recall the poems i made when i was in high school. and remember that i wanted my poems with rhyme, so every last word of a line should rhyme with the last word of the next line, or at least the last word of some line, could be an aabb scheme or an abab scheme.
i'm over it now. i can write freeverse now, which i used to hate, because i felt that it decries the very essence of what a poem should be.
cue: humming to a recited poem, dancing to an inaudible melody
i recall that some of my poems were measured. i was counting the number of syllables, the meter, the rhythm, so i could convert it into a song. like i can compose a song. i don't have a musical inclination, and transforming tunes into notes on paper was simply inconceivable for me.
it's long gone. however, what did evolve is the content-how it has become symbolic (where i would write one thing and mean another) and dark (yes, don't i write about really dark topics).
oh, i forgot. you don't know that i write about really dark topics, because the ones i've posted aren't so dark. lol :P
cue: humming to boredom, dancing to exhaustion
and yes, whereas i have digressed in style and content, i think that my poems are now better in content, but poor in style. because i was so obsessed with poetic techniques and styles then. now my poems are more personal and more fulfilling, but because they lack style, they are no longer award-winning.
but the beat, the beat must go on...
tv shows i'm currently watching:
tuesday night: chopped-food show
wednesday night: top chef-another food show
thursday night: project runway-fashion show. oops...wait! is this for real?
sunday night: next iron chef + iron chef america-food shows again, plus amazing race (online)
why online? 'cause i keep missing the primetime show (believe it or not, i am usually in the lab at this time). i know what you're thinking, how could you let this happen? you're like the #1 fan of tar!
what is my fashion sense? different shades of blue and green, usually in the dark side, and usually one color. so when i bought a bright green shirt (as in, really bright, but still monochromatic), people noticed and said what a nice shirt i have. :P i'm experimenting with fashion. too bad i can't find some of the designs i was thinking of here in slc. where can i find neon green and neon blue pants? and how about some abstract designs? i really love abstract art.
i've been going up to the mountains to see fall colors. too bad i always forgot to bring my camera to take pictures. and yes, i sort of enjoy taking pictures now (although i still refuse to take pictures of people, so i just take pictures of nature). and, of course, you all know that for a few years already, i am no longer camera-shy.
i'm definitely a tennis addict now. and this is one addiction that's not gonna go away soon. i typically think of myself as "ningas-kugon" on things, especially in sports. you know, get really excited, and then it wears off after a month or two. i think of myself as someone who is totally, overly passionate to the point of obsession on some things, and totally, overly dispassionate to the point of indifference on all other things. what i need, though, is another person who can be as passionate about tennis as i am (instead of all these non-regular tennis partners i currently have who keep bailing out on me when they suddenly have plans).
i have found a gay-oriented church. hallelujah! seriously, yes. and now i'm excited again to serve in a church. that desire to be in a ministry has never really been put out. also, my desire to help people. i put myself into the gay community (but the religious community), so hopefully now i have a better chance of finding a boyfriend. you know that i tried online, but it doesn't work-those gay guys out there just want one-night stands, and that's not me. sex should be inside committed relationships.
on lab-related news, i probably have told you guys that we have a french postdoc who is teaching me french, because i just am enamored by the french language. well, i've stopped asking for lessons, because she's acting strange lately (or is it just my imagination?) like, i would say something, and then she would act like i meant something else. it's a weird feeling. anyway, we also have someone from pakistan (darn it, our lab is just so international), but i'm not learning pakistani (oops...i think that's urdu). anyway, when i talk to her, i am reminded of my high school days. she thinks that every word that comes out of my mouth is so funny, which reminds me of my singing and dancing days which my high school classmates found funny. well, the truth is, she thinks everyone in the lab is funny, so go figure. maybe she is the one with the problem.
so, yes, in short, i have been staying much, much more in the lab because (1) yes, i'm still a workaholic and still so dedicated to doing cancer research (just like i was in my college days, always in the lab) (2) let's face it, i don't really talk that much with the other people in the lab, but these two new additions-i don't know, we just click, and my friends know what happens if i click with someone-i don't know how to stop talking (3) i am distracted and find myself staring too much at "him"-referring to a cryptic entry i wrote a few weeks back-i mean, i can't help it, he is so hot (he's not from our lab, but he's also french), and his seat is like in direct view from my bench, so how can i not look at him when i'm working at my bench doing experiments? so, see, i still do the same amount of work day in, day out; it just takes me a longer time to execute them. as usual, i don't know if he's gay or not, because i'm the weird gay guy (without the functioning gaydar).
so, speaking of meeting people online, i did meet a gay scientist online. how cool is that? i mean, i'm sure there are a few gay scientists out there like me (but there wouldn't be many), but who is also working at the university? wow. cue: it's a small world after all...and he is the first one i've met so far here (and i've been here frickin' two years already)
a few months ago, i've written an r.i.p. (as in, rest in peace, as opposed to research in progress, a common abbreviation in the scientific community here) to my music charts, and it remains at rest. i doubt it will be resurrected ever again. you know how many times i've quit it and it just comes back after a few weeks, but it just hasn't resurfaced for the past couple of months. so maybe it is really the end of the road for me with music.
i don't understand american people in one area. my lifestyle is so gay, but no one thinks i'm gay (they're so dense). meanwhile, all the filipinos here know i'm gay (even if i didn't admit it to them). i mean, i'm not really the type of person who likes to broadcast to people that i'm gay; i'm more of "let the actions speak for itself" type of guy. but i think i have to make this clear to my host family. yeah, remember my host family (i think i talked about them two years back and haven't talked about them since?) well, i'm still in touch with them, although now i can feel like they're trying to convert me to their religion (which is lds/mormon). so, i'll just have to say, i'm not gonna convert because i'm gay.
oh, and i got a haircut again, so my hair is short once again. you know how i go through all those short/long cycles. see, most people think i actually look younger when i get my hair cut, but the french postdoc said i actually look older. maybe i'm starting to make you understand how strange she's been getting. anyway, that's all i have to say, and of course, usually when i don't notice, that's when i really write long entries and get surprised when i'm finished. like where did all those words come from?
ang sarap magnilay-nilay sa mga bagay na hindi mo makamit, habang inilalabas ang poot sa pamamagitan ng pagsigaw sa ibang tao.
minsan ang buhay ay sadyang mapanlinlang, at kung sa tingin mo ay maaabot mo na ang iyong inaasam, ay bigla na namang maglalaho sa iyong paningin.
aanhin pa ang pangarap kung wala nang pag-asa?
it's over. while i'm still breathing. it's better to find out now, than to discover it when i'm six feet under the ground.
when is this insanity going to end?
i feel that it is slowly spiraling out of control. may we find the happiness that each of us deserves.
we are not deliberately at fault for intentionally warping the truth out of proportion. it's just simple manipulation, a little twisting of the psyche, to gain a means to our end.
halina at tahakin ang mundong wala pang nakababatid. doon natin mahahanap ang ating minimithi.
habang patuloy ang daloy ng tubig sa ilog, habang patuloy ang paglaglag ng dahon sa puno, habang patuloy ang pagdapo ng bubuyog sa bulaklak, habang patuloy...
kailangan nating putulin ang konsensiya ng oras, kailangan nating pigtasin ang kahihiyan ng kaalaman.
minsan lang tayo may pagkakataon na muling bumuo ng kalawakan na pinilit mawasak.
everyone has found a way to acquire temporary happiness. so temporary that it vanishes into thin air the moment we step into the room.
i love the sight of earthworms burrowing into the soil, freshly wetted by the rain. do you?
we are taking the initiative to save the world from total domination of a crazed lunatic, drop by drop of blood at any given time, so that joy can have its permanence in this world.
may we find the peace of mind that has boggled us for so long.
1. love the lord with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might (or something to that effect).
2. love your neighbor as yourself.
okay, it doesn't say love your christian neighbor as yourself, it says love your neighbor, be that neighbor christian or not. so to all you religious denominations that keep banning gay marriage, think this: are you loving your neighbors?
and this is the more important thing to consider: these people are probably non-christians. so they probably wouldn't care if what they do is a sin or not a sin. and to insist to shove these rules in their faces when they don't believe in it anyway-is that love? is it?
now let's go inside the church. people have abused the concept of accountability. for those people who aren't into doctrine, the concept is that as christians, we are held accountable for the deeds of other christians that we meet, and it is our duty to correct them. i'm not really sure if it's meant for every christian, but i'm pretty sure pastors are called to do that (and there's a bible verse for that).
well, guess what? everyone wants to be a pastor, and unfortunately, this whole accountability thing, has become more of a gossip thing, with everyone in the church (not just the pastor) nosing around people's personal lives and giving unsolicited advice. furthermore, to make matters worse, it paved the way for the "holier than thou" attitude, where people realize so and so doesn't really follow rules very well, and so i'm a better christian than so and so.
and what is the reason behind this? well, we're helping other people love god with all their heart, with all their soul, and with all their might. let me make the commandment clear- the commandment says you love god, not you help other people love god. ok? the holy spirit works in each one of us so we can love god, and thank you, but the holy spirit doesn't need your advice to help this person love god. so the next time you kick someone out of your churches, think again-why exactly are you kicking the person out of the church? is it because you're helping him to love god? that's not your duty, you know.
really now, the whole love context has been taken out of context in big proportions. and sadly, most churches today are just an organization of hate instead of love.
1. I'm starting to really hate your guts. What a hypocrite! If you want to remain, remain, but make sure you remain for the right reasons. Otherwise, leave. No one's gonna fault you if you did.
2. I think you're hot, and I always see you around. I wish you were one of those who swing the way I do, but I can only hope. I'm too shy to approach, especially since I'm not sure of where you stand.
3. How dare you tell me that I don't know how to talk to people? I'm very talkative, and I'm very good at it. Too bad you're not getting a piece of that articulation. Translate: be more open to conversation.
4. Lately, I've been feeling the pressure, but I guess it's because you've been feeling the pressure with your newfound pastime (while in the lag phase). Unfortunately, I won't succumb to pressure (or haven't I given too many examples of how I never break under stress?), so it's best to vent your efforts elsewhere (and not waste your time).
5. Words aren't enough. I need you to show me; I need to feel it. If there are no actions to support it, then words mean nothing.
OK, so here are all the people I want to rant and rave about. If this gets to you, may you realize that I'm talking about you.
I know, it's shocking, isn't it? To think that I usually am pretty tolerant of people, to harbor that many hard feelings against quite a number of people.
besides which i have been spending more time online
the truth of the matter, i should be spending more time outside
i attended another fundraising event-this time a sushi dinner
whatever-instead of eagerly finding myself a boyfriend
a church that i may be finally staying put-as opposed to hopping around
more time with people who matter, less time in things that matter
the shift by which realization has occurred-that which truly matters
like getting my hair cut-like being more presentable-and all that bs
instead, i whine and complain about the week that could have been
RED, orange, yellow, green
the passion that seeks to be without from within
expressing itself in various multiple forms
and striving to deviate from the norms
RED, orange, yellow, green
the anger that starts to build from within
the chains that refuse to set the society free
the structures that prevent the people to see
red, ORANGE, yellow, green
the moderation that wants to scream
the tolerance that begs to differ
the prejudice that longs to matter
red, ORANGE, yellow, green
the sky in its pitiful gleam
the sweet and sour combination
which is life-an abomination
red, orange, YELLOW, green
the subconscious, not content to be mean
the shadow, not happy to be hiding
the desire, not satisfied to be longing
red, orange, YELLOW, green
the conscious, not allowing to be beaten
the light, making sure there's no uprising
the suffocation, to ensure the stifling
red, orange, yellow, GREEN
the loss of something that has been
the emotion that makes us want
the words that we utter and chant
red, orange, yellow, GREEN
the wish for something that has never been
the color that has lost its meaning
because the majority is gaining
note: this entry will probably anger the narrow-minded christians, and believe me, there are just so many of them, which is why the liberal churches and the conservative churches are as separate as can be.
let's face it; i grew up in a conservative church, and i was a youth leader in that church. my spiritual gift is knowledge, and i definitely pursued to learn the doctrines (which is so unlike many teenagers, who think that church is no fun). but i had to part ways not only because i was moving to another country, but also because my beliefs have changed through the years.
yes, my beliefs have changed partly because i am gay. now, my problem with liberal churches is they're very accepting of people, but they downplay the principles laid out in the Bible. i still think that homosexuality is a sin (being gay isn't), but that doesn't stop me from hoping that someday i'll have a boyfriend. of course, i've tried several liberal churches, and for them it is not a sin (because the rule was in the old testament, and therefore, obsolete).
and then on the extreme end, we have the conservative churches, who are all about the rules. some denominations even kick out people if they don't follow certain rules.
so, what do i think? i think the rules were put in the Bible not to be ignored. in fact, if they should be ignored, then why put them there in the first place? rules are important, but the Bible isn't a book of rules. in fact, take away the rules, and the Bible is still meaningful. the theme of the Bible is love, John 3:16 being the summation of it all. take away the love, and the Bible is meaningless.
if rules were more important, then the Bible should be based on rules. but that is not so. the Bible is based on love, which means that love is more important. and i think that although rules should not be ignored, love should prevail. and unfortunately, no church thinks like that.
who is a true christian? this is really the reason they kick out people-because they're not true christians. who knows? nobody knows. a true christian is someone with a personal relationship with God. and how would we know if someone does have that relationship? we can't-we just take their word for it.
should a christian be doing good deeds, deeds that will please God? i think they should, but God looks more at the effort, not the good deed. if someone puts more effort, and ends up failing to do a good deed, while another one does not put a lot of effort, but ends up doing a good deed anyway, does that necessarily mean that the former is no longer pleasing God? i don't think so. it's all about the heart, the effort.
so, let me introduce you to the concept of "following potential." i believe that everyone is created uniquely, and that everyone has a different following potential. and i think that if someone with 65% following potential gives 65% effort, God will be more pleased with him than the person who has 90% following potential but gives only 80% effort. on the outside, the one with 80% effort looks more like a good christian because he accomplishes more good deeds than the person who does only 65% effort.
so, in the concept of following potential, do rules matter? yes, rules matter, but we have to realize that they are just a guide on how to live life. it is not an indication of whether one is a christian or not. it is not an absolute rule. as a scientist, if there's one thing i learned about living things (which we are a part of), is that there is no absolute rule. every rule has an exception, and maybe we should start thinking about rules that way. that majority will be able to follow it, but there will be a minority that were created unable to follow it, no matter how hard they try.
yah right. like i can be the same old person that i was a few months ago.
i think that i am re-energized for work after burning out. a month's vacation was really what i needed to remind me to jumpstart myself all over again. but, at the same time, my new energy has not shown itself as an all-out stay-in laboratory hound that i have been before. now i'm still intense, but i am sometimes missing in action on the weekends.
and i have reconnected myself with friends, which is nice. i'm also trying my best to reconnect to my family (especially my parents), and i think i'm making progress. i am no longer daddy's and mommy's little boy, and now i have a voice in the family decisions. that's what i really wanted, anyway-adulthood.
i have also lost weight, but how in the world i have done that remains a mystery to me. it's so ironic that when i was obsessed with losing weight that i did lose weight and then gained so much more weight afterwards, but now that i've given up hope i've actually lost and maintained my weight. it's been four months now, and that's the longest i have gotten without gaining.
i have also tried coming in earlier in the laboratory. yup, you heard it right. coming in early. i realize that if i come in late, then i work in the lab at night alone. it's not bad; i prefer solitude, and i've been in the lab at nights for the last two years without complaint. but i miss out on the nightlife, which i'm not really enthusiastic about. i miss out on the possibility of making new friends, and more importantly, getting a boyfriend. yes, i have come to a point where i realize that science is not all there is to life; there's love out there, and i should seek it (in expense of science). LOL
tennis, tennis, tennis. i haven't played tennis in a month, and i'm like a crazy person with an itch that will never stop. i've been looking here and there, harassing people i know just so i could play some tennis. intensity is something i never lose in life; it's my driving force.
of course, we had a lab meeting at 11am, and yes, because i have insomnia nowadays (or it has been recurring for such a long period of time anyway), i don't really sleep until about 4am and probably wake up around that time...
but the important thing is i made it on time. i made it! problem is, now every meeting will be at 11am, and i wonder if i can keep that up...
food was, as usual, great (is there any free food that's not great? you tell me!)
of course, i just have to talk about that final talk, because i am not a chemist, but for a year, i worked in a food flavor company in the philippines as an analytical chemist.
so we were good customers of sigma aldrich, and we receive a subscription to their magazine.
and one of the topics i liked is this copper-based click chemistry and how it could be used for potential labeling of glycosylation (and glycosylated proteins, for that matter).
and so i dabbled on glycosylation and this super-complicated organic reaction (unfortunately, my organic chemistry undergraduate background was not enough to handle this, and i had to study thoroughly to understand this).
fast forward today, i finally get to hear a talk from the wonderful investigator whose lab is behind all the pioneering work for this field.
i came here wanting to look at the glycosylation profile of integrins and how changes to that profile could regulate the cell adhesion function of integrins (and loss of cell adhesion might equate to metastasis?)
anyway, i got so holed up in epithelial-mesenchymal transition that this somehow got lost in translation.
now i'm energized again for this project.
and this time, i might be able to convince my professor with yet another project; i've managed to convince her with two so far (my current work and some new work on the relationship between my favorite hormone and her favorite molecule).
really now, with all these ideas up in my head, i should be leading a laboratory by now.
a flicker of light before all my hope dies
but i am helplessly bound in the corner of your room
and i am silently waiting to hear my doom
and then i heard the sound of metal dropping
fumbling, i see the source of the clanking
i can still remember the joy of that fateful day
granted, the time you let me get away.
i stare blankly outside the window, cuffed
looking at the full moon handling the rough
and i am letting my plate go to waste
because i can't do anything to the taste
and then i heard the sound of someone gurgling
watching, i see the source of the drowning
i can still remember the day i got away
granted, there is no turning back another day.
you look at the bright morning sun without motion
the foggy mind is trying to recover from poison
only to realize that your hands are cuffed
as the tables are turned, not looking so tough
you lie awake at night to watch the full moon rise
a flicker of light before all your hope dies
as you remember the day you put to waste
granted, there is no going back to that day.
let's skip men's tennis, because i'm seeing yet the same old, same old faces back at the finale of the us open. the men's draw can be more exciting if they were more unpredictable (and especially if a new handsome person would just grace the courts for a change).
abdc is boring this season with a capital B. down to the top 4 and i haven't seen any team that really deserves the title just like in the other 3 seasons (can they just deny the award if there's no one that steps up their game?) meanwhile, the amazing race teams have already been revealed; looking forward to watch the season premiere on sept. 27...
i have been watching some gay-oriented films and actually enjoying most of them (the storylines are sick!) i've always been a little bit cautious about these films because i thought they would be showing off more skin (gay stereotype), and although some of them do have that, most of them really have a plot and story (a must to entertain me).
as for the moment, what started as a spark has sizzled off...good luck next time and life must move on (to the next)...? we'll see.
the us open also starts tomorrow. as usual, i don't care a single thing about the men's draw (aside from the hope that i would get a free trip to london this november, or to flushing meadows next year). why am i so keen on tennis, but so unfazed by the men's draw? it's simple really; there are no goodlooking men to root for.
as for the women's draw, i always root for ana ivanovic, and starting to root for victoria azarenka (and this has nothing to do with looks). of course, the women's draw is always a mess, though; there is no clear someone who is the "player to beat", and we just get a hodge-podge of various random winners. and with former no. 1 comeback queens being added to the roster, expect a more chaotic, unpredictable draw.
still on other news, the new season of tar is starting on september. yay! i hope there's an interesting team that i could emotionally connect with and root for, because that's the only way i can really watch a reality show without getting bored to death. and did i mention i'm also watching abdc's newest season? i haven't exactly picked a favorite yet, because i haven't seen any consistency in the groups yet.
and although that's the only reality shows i ever talk about in here, it never means those are the only ones i watch. maybe there are some i don't want people to know i'm watching...who knows? i do have some new tennis partners now, and our new french postdoc in the lab has finally arrived; i'm excited because i want to learn french, and hopefully i can get free lessons.
are there more exciting news? i don't know, but i am sort of e-mailing back and forth with a guy right now. i'm beginning to like him, but we'll see where it ends up in the long haul of things...
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